Rewatch Smallville: Varsity Blues

Hothead: 1x03

Written By: Greg Walker

Directed By: Greg Beeman

The Episode in which Smallville thinks it’s Varsity Blues or some other football movie circa the early Aughts. I’m not going to lie this was really hard for me because, 1) I don’t care about football 2) It involved the most boring people 3) Naturally it was boring.


But whatever Let’s get to it.

It’s raining to the tune some seriously emo rock music on the Smallville High’s football field. I can’t tell if it’s practice or a game. Anyway it’s supposed to be super dramatic, but it’s not. It really just makes worry if anyone is going to get pneumonia. Then a fat white man starts yelling words, so now I’m really checked out. Oh, people are yelling in the stands so I guess it is a game.

OH NO, now the fat white man is in the steam room. Why you do dis to me Smallville? That’s so rude.

Anyway, I guess they’re committed to me giving a fuck about this story so....

Fat White Man aka Coach is all Clark, you should join the football team since I made the rest of the players cheat on their tests and now they can’t play.


Clark is all I can’t because my daddy said no.

Meanwhile, one of Lionel’s advisers comes to tell Lex that Lionel doesn’t like the way Lex is running things in the Smallville plant. Lex is all IDGAF what my Daddy says. I do what I want. He can eat my ass.


After the cheating scandal Lana quits the cheer leading squad, cause she’s concerned about the apathy of the rest of the team towards the cheaters.

Looking back I realize that the writers tried, to make Lana tolerable, but K.K is such a poor actress she was always doomed to be annoying. Like there all these little crumbs of things that get dropped in the episodes that give her dimension. Last episode they showed how she was a former pageant queen and she has all these homecoming ribbons and pageant crowns and instead of putting them on display she shoves them in the bottom of her dresser drawer. That small detail says so much about who she is, and a stronger actress would have used that. Her dead parents. Her mom was a cheerleader and so is she but, she’s not sure if she’s doing it because she likes it, or if she’s just trying to live her dead mom’s life. It’s not much and it absolutely could be fleshed out more but a more talented actress would have filled in the holes and brought that inner conflict on screen. So maybe I might take it easy on Lana. Maybe.


Anyway Clark takes a page out of Lex’s book and joins the football team and that goes as well as you can imagine.

The Good.

The kickass fencing scene between Lex and Lionel, cause when deciding the fate of people’s livelihoods there should be swords involved.


The Bad.

Everything that had to do with coach and the freaky night lights plot, so basically the whole episode.


The Ugly

Nothing made me put my head in my hands so Kudos

Killing one of three POC on the show RIP Principal Kwan. I’m pouring one out for you b.


Should You Watch?

Absolutely Not. I just barely made it, but in case you’re a masochist. Here is the link…

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